Consent + why asking for it matters

‘True power is not a rodeo. it’s the product + the gift of seasoned self awareness’ ~ Linda Kohanov

Over the weekend I spent some time working with a gorgeous young gelding who possessed quite a large personal ‘bubble'. During our time together he offered me up some really lovely insights into consent, control + choice, + what that might mean when we are ‘in conversation’ with our horses. So I thought I'd share my musings with you all.

Ok, so say someone came up to you in the street, someone you didn't know, or perhaps even a friend. Now say that person, striding up to you with their own agenda + lack of awareness for your own personal state or space, gave you a big bear hug + a slap on the bum. I dare say the majority of the population would be taken aback + probably wouldn't take too kindly to that sort of behaviour. Why? Because you didn't ask for it, you didn't seek it out of your own accord, + you didn't give off any signals whatsoever that you were indeed wanting or asking to be bear hugged or slapped on the bum. Crude example I realise but do you see the point I'm trying to make here?

Why do we see it so differently when interacting with our horses? They are sentient beings like us, they are concious, have a nervous system, can feel pain + emotions + build relationships, so why should they not have an opinion or a voice about what happens them? They are also, incredibly sensitive to their environment + quick at picking up signals (unlike many of us humans). Yet everything we do with or to our horses is not based on first, a conversation of consent (permission for something to happen or agreement to do something). We are set in this culture that believes that our horses should + will 'just have to get over it', accept it + deal with anything + everything we wish to 'do' with or to them.

Now, the lovely gelding Thor (a 5 year old Percheron gelding that has been backed only once by another trainer), + how this conversation between myself + this young man sparked such reflection + personal insight, well, it was a very subtle message he offered, but it was exceptionally clear.

Thor is one of those horses that is visibly uncomfortable with having people enter his bubble (again subtle yet clear). He becomes very tense + his breathing becomes erratic + shallow. During our session I had reached out to simply just stroke him on a number of occasions + he very clearly (yet again very subtly) said ‘no’. His muscles would twitch or he would lightly flinch, hold his breath + then raise his head + neck or turn them away ever so slightly. He was a true gentleman but obviously very uncomfortable with what I was asking (which at the time I percieved as not alot but was obviously alot for him).

So, forcing my point was clearly never going to work (it never does by the way, it just turns your horse into a volcano or a robot...+ who wants a relationship with a volcano...or a robot for that matter!?). SO, I stopped with my agenda + decided to work within the boundaries of HIS comfort zone. I wanted for HIM to tell me when he was ready + receptive to me touching him. When I changed my approach + my intention there was a very noticeable + nearly immediate flip in behaviour. As I offered him the space + the choice to connect with me on his own terms, in his own time he actually reached out me + leaned in. By the end of our session he was a different horse. He had softened in his body, dropped his bottom lip + his breathing had regulated. He even followed me over to the fence + stood with me once the session was over. All because I had respected his boundaries + then asked for his consent. I had handed the control over to him + by doing so had empowered him to make the decision himself.

It's simply about being asked v's being forced right? It's about offering an option + a choice to say no with no repercussions. Asking your horses for consent + handing over some control + choice will not always end in an endless stream of 'no's' from your horse. And in any respect a no is not a bad thing anyway, a no is just feedback during a conversation (is he in pain maybe?, did he understand you correctly, were you clear in your intentions, do you need to break down the steps even further for more clarity, etc). Respecting a no will actually nurture trust + a truer, more authentic connection + partnership.

Horses want to connect. They are a herd animal. Asking for consent + giving them control, on their terms is actually inherently reinforcing for them. As Dr Susan Friedman states, control is a primary reinforcer (just like food, water, shelter, etc). An animal does not have to learn that control is a reinforcer; control is inherently a behaviour strengthening consequence. It is a primary reinforcer for behaviour. I see consent as opening the door to control + choice. Giving consent gives the animal a sense of control over their environment. Empowering them instead of disempowering them (as in traditional horsemanship). It is depositing into your 'Trust Account' with your horse.

So, to wrap it all up. Consent opens our horses up to control + choice which inherently nurtures trust (+ more importantly opens us humans up to the idea of handing it over). Trust is something that is built. You earn trust. You don't just take it. (Oh! Which reminds me I have an old article on trust + horses...will try + find + share with you all).

True connection + right relationship is a two way street. This is your relationship. How do you want it to look?

Mel xx

‘It is only when we listen + adapt to animals that we can give them freedom to choose; a combination of a solid reinforcement history, a strong relationship, + clear communication gives learners the feeling of having choice’ ~ Ken Ramirez